CPAP, Compassion at 9 a.m.

I started using my CPAP machine again last night. I haven't used it in over a year, I think. I don't remember when I stopped using it, only that I stopped shortly after receiving a humidifier accessory for the device. I couldn't figure out how often I was supposed to clean the humidifier, and it seemed like a lot of work. At the time, I weighed 10-15 pounds less than I do now, and I didn't snore as much, so I stopped using CPAP. Now I weigh more, snore more, and have to make a different choice. I used the machine last night, and cleaned everything cleanable, this morning. Now I hope to find my care instructions, and to put a cleaning schedule on my calendar.

Meanwhile, I read something that focused my mind in a new way. I read a book by David Foster Wallace, This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life. This book was short, so I read it at the bookstore where I found it. I didn't buy the book, instead choosing to try the author's Infinite Jest. Wish me luck. IJ is a weighty tome, comparable in size to War and Peace. 

Wallace writes that people automatically think on a self-centered level most of the time, living in the center of their worlds, with the perspective that they are surrounded by bandits trying to ruin their days. An example he could have used comes from George Carlin:  I drive down the road in my car, mad at the driver in front of me for driving to slowly, and equally mad at the driver behind me who seems to be driving too quickly. Wallace wants us to leave this kind of perspective and see the other people around us, to see the pain in other people's lives, which I say we can easily infer by remembering the details of our own lives. Wallace plays with cliches in this book, including using the phrase "teach you how to think" to explain how going to college, or simply living in the world of humanity, can change the subjects of your thoughts, and the ways you think about them. Compassion comes when you see that every person has pain, when you are changed by the  knowledge of that pain. Compassion can change you, and what you do with your life. Other writers who are called to my mind right now are Descartes, who couldn't tell if the people outside his window were real or merely automata, and Mary Pipher, who has written powerful stories about refugees (see The Middle of Everywhere).

Around the same time, I noticed that after a week of Brad and me together at home working with the girls on household chores, the girls seem happier when they have work they have to do every day. Instead of being happier when they have few chores and plenty of time for open play, the children seem happier or more satisfied when they have to do chores and help their parents with work--even if the task is unwelcome to them, like putting dishes away or sweeping the floor. Obviously they like to do things with their parents rather than without them--kids would probably enjoy doing just about anything if they could do it with their mother or father. In addition, though, they respond well to having work they have to do; it seems to make them feel less bored, more satisfied. 

Do compassion and work fit together somehow? Stay tuned.

Is a storm coming?

We watched the weather change today. I had heard that a thunderstorm was coming. I still don't know if we'll get that storm, but the sky has darkened, and large clouds are moving in from the west. It may or may not be raining. I still imagine hiding under a table to avoid falling tree branches. I guess that was a really exciting and anxious moment for me, so it is vivid in my memory.

The Treat Shop

I am recommending the Treat Shop, on Cranberry Road in Westminster, Md.  They have lots and lots of Easter chocolate for sale, including a larger-than-life chocolate bunny that's very expensive. I chose something smaller than lifesize, plus some candy-covered malt balls. You can watch people make candy in the back of the store. This place is a real candy store. They also have ice cream, coffee and tea (loose, by the ounce).

Phoebe is asleep. Every day she comes home from school cranky. Today was no exception. It occurred to me that she should take a nap when she gets home, so I lay down for my own nap. Eventually, she took my bait and climbed into bed with me. After she dozed off, I got up to write this message.

Budget Backwards

I'm lucky. I have enough money to buy groceries. Given this fact, how do I plan my food spending, now and in the future? I have decided that the best thing to do is to see how much money I spend, at first without budgeting, and then to maintain the same level of spending. It might be fun, a good idea, or wise, to lower this amount of money over time, but striving to keep the same level of spending is possible and realistic. My method for keeping track of spending is simply to gather the week's receipts in my purse until they add up to the magic number (I was five dollars under, last week!!), then stop spending on groceries. I will have to increase the degree of challenge by adding in restaurant meals, but I'm not ready for that yet. I'll be lucky if I remember to add in receipts from my trips to High's. At present, my plan for restaurant dining is to make sure I'm not dining out at the end of each grocery week, after I've run out of grocery money.

One result of seeing how much I spend is that I can think about this money as one chunk of the household spending, instead of as many dribs and drabs. If I know that I spend $600 a month on groceries, I can think about how much it would cost to spend some of it on home milk delivery, and how much money would be left to spend on the rest of the groceries. I can also think about how much less I would spend on milk (about half) if I switched from organic milk to regular. Thinking about the real makes it easier to think about the possible and the impossible.

I learned, probably from reading Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma, that Americans spend about 10% of their income on food, whereas Europeans spend about 17% of income. I wonder how much my household spends? I would have to multiply that $600 by 12 to get $7,200, then add all restaurant spending, then compare that to our annual income. This is a homework problem that will not be solved for a while.

Knitting Affects My Whole Life

This morning I discovered that what I have learned knitting can apply to other parts of my life. I tried a new pancake pattern, I mean, recipe. I thought I had all the right yarns, in the right fibers, but it turned out I needed to replace meusli with something from my stash: oatmeal, oat bran and wheat germ. Then, when I was following the pattern, I discovered I had added the flour before grinding the oatmeal. So I frogged back a couple of rows. I put the flour and the oatmeal into the blender to grind. It all worked out. Now I have a full stomach.

My Personal Economy

I try to listen to the news, and to read the paper once in a while, but I get scared when I hear that the economy will keep getting worse until next year, or the year after that, or the year after that. I hear one person's solution is another person's curse, and vice versa. I hear that I should spend, in order to save the economy.

I can't spend to save my country's economy. Here's why: I spent about fifteen years of my life spending, eating out twice a day (no lie), buying clothes and movie tickets on credit. I never saved a dime, except for what my employer put into my retirement account. It was a lot of fun, that life, although maybe not as much fun as it could have been. I could never seem to plan to use a large sum of money, because I never had that money. I was afraid to take out a big loan, because all my little loans were always on my back.

For better or worse, I will never live that way again. I'm not saying I never spend on personal entertainment, or that I only eat rice and beans. I don't sew my own clothes, nor do I grow a big vegetable garden. The fact is, though, that the way I spent in the 1990s is not possible for me now. I can't do it anymore. I desire to send my kids to private school, which is kind of like Home Economics 101 all by itself. I want to keep working at home. Therefore, I am gradually learning how to save instead of spend, and how to plan my spending.

I am very, very lucky to be able to send my kids to private school, to live in my own house, to have my own car, to have heat and electricity and clean water, a yard for the kids to play in, a safe town and county. I am very lucky that Brad has a good job. There is a great deal to be thankful for. I want to always feel lucky. Part of feeling lucky means, not wasting the day, not wasting money, not wasting time, not wasting my life.

I don't know what the larger economy will be like in three or five years; I assume it will get better with time, like a broken bone. If everyone across the country has changed their spending habits the way I hope I have done, then the economy will never be the way it was. Maybe that will be okay, not because we'll be better people (we won't be), but because, on an individual level, we'll be more financially secure. I hope so.